Saturday, September 5, 2009

Emotionally Disabled....

Hello bloggers...

It's been a while. Life is good but busy. I prefer a busy life rather then a stalled one. I've been thinking a lot about stuff. I tried writing my thoughts in my journal but I'm a slow writer. I can type as fast as I think. I cannot write as fast as I think so I'm going to blog this thought train out.

Here goes.... I hope you'll be able to follow along.

Why are physical disabilities easier for people to accept then emotional disabilities? I think people can accept what they can see and understand. I hear people say, "that person can't help but walk slow they are disabled". I've said comments like that before. That old man can't drive faster he's old. :) These comments are a form of acceptance because the person can see that the disabled person is different and so the disability becomes accepted. Or the fact that a person is slower or walks different is accepted.

I hear often times couples breaking up because one or the other had "emotional baggage". I hear, "my girlfriend was too emotional". I hear, " I can't date her/him this person still has issues with her/his past relationship". Some times people don't realize they have emotional issues until something or someone wakes them up to the fact.

My question is why do people think we can control our emotional disabilities but it's okay not to control our physical ones? I mean why can't people accept that emotional disabilities are just like physical disabilities? Or are they?
When I was married my ex lied to me probably everyday. My ex-husband stole money, cheated, never came home when he said he would among other things. Four years of this treatment and one's emotions become disabled. I've been divorced for a while now but I didn't realize how many emotional disabilities I had until I started dating Eric. Here are some of my emotional disabilities. Eric goes to stay with his parents some weekends and my thoughts instantly think, "who is he really going to see, another girl"? I know it sounds funny but it's a trigger that goes off in my head without thinking. Eric's phone is ringing all the time. He text more then I do. He talks on the phone all the time with family and friends. But, sometimes when Eric and I are out or eating dinner his phone rings and he doesn't answer. I think to myself, what girl is calling him? Or, he doesn't want to answer because I'm here and he doesn't want me to know who's calling him. These thoughts come from my past. When my ex-husband didn't answer his phone it was because his other woman was calling and he didn't want me to hear. My ex-husband was never where he told me he was. Even when he was supposed to be at work. I would get phone calls from friends telling me they saw my Ex as someones house rather then at work. So when Eric goes South to see his parents I think where is he really going. I never knew I had this emotional disability until I started dating Eric. The funny thing is Eric thinks I can turn off this way of thinking because he's not my Ex. Eric's point is true but emotions don't work like that, at least mine don't.

Back to my original thought process. Eric has told me before that non of my physical problems bother him because I can't help it. I have a birth defect. I only have one leg. Yes I have a prosthesis but that is an alternative to a wheelchair. At night when I'm home the leg comes off and I use crutches around my house. At the end of the day I still only have one leg, I can't help that. Eric has told me my emotional problems are what bother him. Why does he think I can control my emotional disabilities? I've learned not to react and keep my questions to myself. I don't want to punish Eric for things he's never done. Eric is a wonderful man and a great support to me. But the trigger is still there. The emotions are still there I've just learned how to react better.

At the same time we see people all the time overcome their physical disabilities so why can't we over come our emotional disabilities? I knew I wanted to walk and get back to my normal life after loosing my leg so I found away. I know I don't like the "emotional baggage" I took with me when I left my ex-husband so I have to find a way to overcome them. Just like overcoming physical disabilities the process takes time, muscle building, finding completely different ways to do things. When I had two legs I always would put my pants on right leg first. I'll never forget the first time I tried putting on shorts after I lost my right leg. My mom and I were at the hospital and she was helping me get dressed. I was way drugged up from the surgery and still in shock from the accident and the ER. Emergency rooms are trauma experiences let alone the actual trauma that brought you to the ER. Any way, I was sitting on a chair and I put my right leg and then my left leg in my shorts. But when I put my left leg in my shorts the shorts would fall off my right leg. My right let is now much shorter then the left one. Me and my mom tried a couple more times before we realized, long leg first then short leg. We both started laughing and then crying at the same time. My point is that I had to find a different way to get dressed.

I do have to say physical disability is easier for me to deal with then emotional disability. I just wish people were more accepting of emotions.

These have been my thoughts for a couple of weeks. It feels good to get them out.



  1. Oh Jill, I love reading your thoughts. You really have been through a lot with your first marriage. I had no idea. You are such a strong person. I am an admirer! Love you.

  2. Jill..Just remember that Eric came after you :)

    You are a beautiful person and we love ya!

    Thanks for sharing. We will pray for you that all will be well.

    Emotions suck. I hate that sometimes I feel like, that I wish someone would get hit by a bus so we would not have to deal with a stupid woman anymore.

    But then I think that is really evil.

    I feel your pain. Try as hard as you can to focus on the future not on the past. I know it is very hard but every time you get those feelings Pray. Pray that you can focus on the now.

    Love you

  3. Thanks guys, I love my cousin support group.

    Nichole, I remeber having those killer bus thoughts back in the day. Sometime don't you wish evil people would just go away.

    Nicole, will you invite me to view your blog? I've tried checkingo out your blog but I get a message that I have to be invited.

    Love you guys,

  4. I loved reading that Jill. I deal with similar probs in my marriage. Because of past mistreatment, it has made me react certain ways to things. I'm really sensitive I know that but when trust gets broken in such an intimate relationship, it's very hard not to be wary in the future. It's the whole stove is hot thing. If you get burned on the stove you are going to be alot more careful near any stove in the future. I really don't think it can be helped or its extremely difficult. On the other hand I think its naive when people DON'T watch out for themselves and assume everyone is good and decent through and through. I did/do that and I get burned over and over again. Anyhoo, I hope that made sense. Love you girl. I miss you tons!


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