I firmly believe that in this life if you're not changing you're not growing. Some changes are by choice and some changes choose you. I'm choosing to make a change in my life that will affect me and another person. I love this person and it is really hard to make a choice that is going to hurt another human being, even if the choice is for the best.
"When you know you know" is true about being in love with someone and being in love with someone you shouldn't be with. I loved my first husband to death. I remember feeling that same notion, "when you know you know." I still love him to this day. I just needed him to be sober to survive that marriage. I know that if Steven could have beaten his drug addiction we'd still be together today. I've been dating a wonderful man for the past two years. We have fought really hard to stay together. We've been through a lot with each other. We've traveled to some amazing places together. We've laughed together, we've cried together but, deep down there is something telling me the love we have for each other isn't enough.
The voice inside isn't telling me my boyfriend is wrong for me. I've prayed and I know whatever I choose I'll be okay. I remember crying at a gas station begging Heavenly Father to just tell me what to do. I was pleading and praying for an answer. The answer I got wasn't what you might expect. I instantly felt a warm sense of comfort. And the answer I received was, "Jill, I love you! I love you! Whatever you decide you will be okay." So the choice is mine. And I'm choosing no. As much as I love my boyfriend there are just enough differences that will and have made our relationship a constant struggle.
I'm tired of struggle. I've been through enough "struggle" in my life thus far that I can fairly say, enough is enough. Its time for happiness. Its time for growth. Its time for progression. Its time to focus on the relationship I have with myself for a while. I was willing to give up everything that is important to me to be with my boyfriend and that is scary.
I'm not giving up on finding love. For now I'm going back to me and Raz and the anticipation of whats next.